Dealing with Death in the Family

This week I have been in Tennessee in a hospital watching my grandfather in the final stages of cancer. The past several months have been a roller coaster as he would come upon the brink of death time after time and then miraculously bounce back. Early this week the doctor said he only had a matter of days left, so the family all came in to be with him during these final hours. Half of the days we have been here (I am sitting in my hotel room now) he has been amazingly lucid - even making jokes, while the other days he has been completely weak and slept all day. This week has been very emotional. As we get close to the end, my husband and I had to make a decision regarding whether or not we would allow our children to be with him in these last days. We decided it would be best for the kids to stay at home with family members instead. We felt that our children were not quite ready to see me or my parents in that kind of emotional state- not to mention the fact that we are spending most of each day in a hospital where they would be bored and possibly inappropriately loud. This is a decision we did not take lightly, nor do we feel that there is a single right or wrong answer. Each parent needs to take into account their children and what they are ready and able to handle. In our case, we felt like our children had seen their Papa recently enough and we would rather them remember him while he was able to get around and play with them instead of in a hospital bed with tubes connected to him.

When all of this is over I will speak to my kids and discuss what happened - on a level that they can understand. Whether or not children attend funeral services, or visit dying relatives is not really the key - it is communication with them after it is all over with that is important. Even young children have many questions about death, pain, sickness, and heaven. Make sure to patiently answer all questions as honestly as possible. And remember, just because a child does not come out and ask does not mean they are not struggling with a concept. You may have to probe a little.

There is no easy answer on how to help your small children cope during a family crisis like a death in the family, but the best way to start is to sit them in your lap and just listen.